he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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