Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
