Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
