so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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