eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
