he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
they need to just BURY HIM!
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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