sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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