and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I think I won the penis lottery.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
