guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
