I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I intend to get homeless drunk
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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