Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
