Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
