I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize