I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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