Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I just googled if crying burns calories
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
