bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
