mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
