OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Who died my cat blue again?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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