I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
