Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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