"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
