you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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