I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
