I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Couch. On fire.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
