my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
the condom got lost in my hair
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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