Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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