Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
