Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
