She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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