dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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