evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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