I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
