I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
