I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
The cops high fived after they tackled you
there is puke in my bra ... again
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