i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
how drunk are you?
Several
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
