i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
