I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize