My underwear smells like fireworks.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
