Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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