im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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