I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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