If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
