I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
