If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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