I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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