We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
