the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize