wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
