I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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