peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
