connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
