I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
