at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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