he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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