A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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