we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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