our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
