I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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