I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
