You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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