I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
